Halfway Through, Fully Burned Out

I’ve just finished my second year of Music School in college!  This year, I’ve worked harder than I ever knew I could, and I feel very fortunate to have had the opportunities that have allowed me to do so.

So much happened this last school year:

I’ve had my compositions featured in almost every student composer concert…

Debuting "Oneiros"

And I even had one piece performed by the New Music Ensemble.

The Belmont New Music Ensemble debuts my composition "Rise"

The Belmont New Music Ensemble debuts my composition “Rise”

I was awarded a scholarship for my work as a composer at the end of this semester.

I was nominated to present a Music Theory paper I wrote on a Xenakis piece at the annual student research symposium next spring.

I was accepted to study composition for two weeks this summer at the Wintergreen Summer Music Academy.

I'll be spending 2 weeks here (somewhere) improving my composition skills.

I’ll be spending 2 weeks here (somewhere) improving my composition skills.

And then I ran my first half-marathon to finish the year off:

The hardest 13.1 miles of my life--but totally exhilarating

The hardest 13.1 miles of my life–but totally exhilarating

On the outside, everyone (myself included) would say I’ve thrived this year.  I do enjoy my successes, but there’s also a darker side to it:

I’m now completely burned out and utterly exhausted.

This isn’t the typical, “I’m going to lie around and rest on the couch for a few days now that I’m home.”  This is, “I seriously wonder if I’ve lost my passion and ability for composing.”

I felt this coming on all semester and tried to fight my way through it while simultaneously denying its presence.  On the outside, I have a good life, but in the last couple years, I’ve dealt with some difficult things that have surely contributed to my burnout.

I was only able to complete one composition this semester (unheard of for me).  Trying to push through the burnout didn’t work—it only made it worse…

Now, it’s to the point where trying to compose is literally making me depressed, and then it’s even more impossible to work.  You can’t simply will your way out of this.  You can’t make it go away by “thinking positive thoughts.”  No—when composing does this to you, it’s time to take a step back.

I’m going to take a break until I can’t stand it any longer.  Then, I’ll get my passion back because I’ll have missed composing so much.  At least, this is how I hope it will work out…  Maybe I really do just need to rest because I pushed myself so hard this whole year.

Although part of me has legitimately questioned whether I might hate composing now, stepping away from it, even for a week, has been one of the hardest things for me to do, because I don’t feel completely whole unless I compose.  And this is why, on some level, I know I haven’t truly “lost” my composing.

For now, I think I’ll just celebrate the fact that I’ve made it hallway through college—and not only made it, but did really well.  I’m going to praise God for all of the good things that have happened—and still praise Him through the frustration (and sometimes despair) of my present burnout.  This, too, shall pass.

Someday soon, I’ll get past this.  I’m still planning for a second album this summer!  But first, I need to remember it’s called a “summer vacation for a reason…

So readers, I’m curious: how do you fight back against burnout?  How do you get your passion back?

My 2nd Piano Album: Details Announced!

AshesIt’s official…  I’m releasing a second piano album this summer.  As promised last week, I’m revealing the title: Out of Ashes.

When I first discussed my intentions for a second album in June, I didn’t know how I could ever again make another album as good as Airborne was.   I had no title, theme, or storyline for this next album, and I was at a loss as to how to move forward without a plan.

So many artists struggle with the so-called “sophomore album.”  You have your whole life to make the first album, but for the second, you maybe have two years—plus, you’re burned out from making the first album.  Could I ever throw myself into a second album the way I did for my first one?

In a post from June, I decided outright that, even though I couldn’t do Airborne again, I could do another album with its own style and theme—even though I had no idea what that theme would be.

Eerily, a few hours after I published that post, my life was set ablaze.  Suddenly, I was thrown down into the ashes for the next two months.  I watched things slip away—especially my dreams of releasing my second album before the end of 2014.

What happened is far too difficult to explain, and I still have a hard time talking about it.  All you need to know is that I feel like the Phoenix that caught on fire—and then rose up from the ashes.  Thus, my new album is Out of Ashes.

I really wasn’t planning on doing an album about my ordeal.  I was hoping to forget and go on with my life as it was before.  I thought I could just move on, but it seems that last summer has forever changed me as a person and has left an indelible mark on my work.

Even so, Out of Ashes is not about sitting in the sadness of the ashes.  It’s an album about rising up from them—it’s full of hope and will be a journey unlike any other.  I’m going to take my listeners from a happy time at the beginning, through the waves of pain and denial and confusion, through glimmers of hope, through the heartbreak and reality of not being able to forget, and finally through overcoming.

From a musical perspective, I’ve been exploring new harmonic structures and have gotten more adventurous with everything in general.  I’ve had the benefit of two years of composition and piano studies in college.  The lyricism of Airborne is still present in many of my new pieces, but there’s a whole new depth to my composing, and I don’t shy away from more unusual textures.

Yes, it’s true that Out of Ashes is not the sophomore album I expected—it’s going to be more powerful and beautiful than anything I could’ve imagined.  As I work towards releasing the project in July, I hope you will join me on this journey.  And I hope you will enjoy this album as much as I’m enjoying writing it.

With four pieces done and three more on their way, there is much more to discuss in future posts.  See you soon!

Where I’ve Been

I know, I know—I haven’t posted in two months.  So maybe you’ve been wondering where I’ve been.  Or maybe you didn’t notice.  The truth is, I’ve been a lot of places, both good and bad.  I’ll tell you about the good places…

This is where I choose to be on a Friday night.

For the most part, I’ve been… At school, in the practice rooms.
Three hours a-day, seven days a week (in theory, anyway). Music school is extremely demanding and exhausting, but in all of that time at the piano, I’ve come up with some amazing pieces that I’m looking forward to sharing on the next album.  I’m going to dare to say that my second album will be better than the first.  (I’ll tell you more about this album in next week’s post.)

Just doing my homework...
I’ve been… In the studio. 
This semester, I got to have a class in Ocean Way Nashville on Music Row.  Sometimes I think I have the coolest life ever.

I’ve been… In competition. 
I just entered my first composition competitions.  I have no idea how to expect them to turn out.  I obviously think my piece is good—otherwise, I wouldn’t have written it the way I did.  But I’m up against PhD’s and prodigies, and there’s so much talent out there.  We’ll see…

Debuting "Oneiros"

Debuting “Oneiros”

I’ve been…  Onstage. 
I’ve been playing around the area more and more.  I finally got the chance to debut my solo piano piece “Oneiros” in a concert hall, and it was one of my favorite performances.  The audience was right there with me.

IMG_3626I’ve been… In training.
I’ll be running in Nashville’s St. Jude’s Country Music Half-Marathon in April.  Yes, all 13.1 miles!  I started running a mile or two here-or-there in October just to get some exercise, but then, as cheesy as it sounds, it became a way of life.  You know me—I don’t know how to do anything halfway.

As much as I love music, I realized I needed another outlet to help me not get burned out creatively.  Running makes me feel so good that I easily make up the four hours each week that I spend doing it with how much more productive I am as a composer.  Plus, it’s just wonderful to be in shape.

So there you have it: I’ve been… Busy.  But I’m (mostly) busy doing what I love.  Next week, I’ll tell you about my upcoming album and reveal the name/concept.  I can’t wait!

Studio Life: Piano Recording for Film/TV

When you think about Christmas break in college, you might imagine sleeping in, spending time with family and old friends, and just doing nothing.  While it’s true that I did do all of the above a little bit, for me, going home is always a time for recording and composition.

This is what my "break" looked like

This is what my “break” looked like

My parents have wisely decided to keep my piano with them so that whenever I want to record, I’m forced to come home. (Otherwise, I might never leave Nashville…)  So with three weeks over Christmas break, I had to make every day count.

I had a lot to record: two new pieces for my album, the piano part to a new orchestral work, and a ridiculous number of stings for the production music libraries.

What’s a sting, you ask?  Essentially, it’s a snippet of a longer piece of music.  A lot of the time, a music supervisor only needs a thirty or sixty-second clip of music for a commercial or TV scene.  If I already have pre-edited clips of my tracks, I increase the chances of my music being used.  As soon as I got to work creating the stings, I realized I was almost in over my head…

I had to somehow shorten all of my piano pieces into 15 second, 30 second, 60 second, and 90 second versions.  If you know my music at all, you know I don’t write short pieces.  I even had to figure out a way to compress the 11-minute “Precipice” into a minute—not an easy task.

Deciding which segments of a piece to include in the different stings is an art.  You usually can’t just take the thirty seconds at the beginning; it might not be developed enough.  If you take a chunk out of the middle, it might not make sense by itself.  I quickly realized that sometimes, coming up with these stings can be like rewriting the piece all over again.  

The most important thing when deciding how to edit a track for a production music library is to make it interesting and catchy right away.  You have to imagine what a music supervisor would want.

I used to think the giant clock was a waste of space... Now I get it!

I used to think the big clock was a waste of space, but it’s perfect for recording stings.

Another problem I ran into was figuring out how to fit the pieces into exactly 15, 30, 60, and 90 seconds.  It’s kind of important that the track isn’t a second longer or shorter.  To make this easier, I pulled up Logic’s giant time display window so that I could watch the time while recording.  This also helped me not have to go back and cut things out later to make the track fit.

Creating all of these stings for libraries has made me realize all over again how much I have left to learn as a working composer.  I’m new to this process, and I don’t really know what I’m doing in a lot of ways.  I’m just figuring things out as I go.  But I never would have gotten this far if I only did things I thought I already knew how to do.  Sometimes, the only way to learn how to do something is to do it….

Editor’s Choice: Shelby Lock “Lirio”

My new solo piano single “Lirio” has just been featured on The Piano Cloud’s final Editor’s Choice of 2014! I have been part of this online community for almost two years and am so grateful for all the support I’ve received… 2014 was quite a crazy year, but I’m glad to be finishing it off with a bang.

Why I Know I’m a Composer

In the last few months, my world has been turned upside down.  But the one good part is that it’s made clear to me that I need to focus on being a composer.  I can’t only do engineering.  I’m certainly still recording, producing, and spending plenty of time in the studio (and plan to keep doing so because I still love it and need to record my compositions), but I’ve realized that, first and foremost, I’m a composer.  

This summer, some bad things happened.  My life is mostly back to normal now (well, whatever “normal” is for a composer), but until a few weeks ago, I had been struggling tremendously to compose anything at all.  It wasn’t that I didn’t try—I tried harder than I knew I could.  But the music wouldn’t come.  I hated almost everything I did manage to write.  On some level, I even began to hate composing itself because it took so much effort to even write things I didn’t like.

Not being able to compose and losing all the joy in it when you know in your heart of hearts that you are a composer is one of the worst things—easily one of the worst parts of what I went through (which is saying a lot).  But even the fact that not being able to compose was so heartbreaking proved that I didn’t truly hate composing…

For the first half of this semester, I continually found myself wondering what I was thinking by being a composition major.  How could I be a composer if I couldn’t even compose?  Would I ever be able to write anything good again?  I legitimately started to wonder if I had permanently lost my composing.

But somewhere, deep down, I knew I was still a composer.  I didn’t know how or when, but I knew that someday, I was going to get my composing back.  I just had to keep trying and moving forward as best I could…

A few weeks ago, the breakthrough came, and I’ve since been finding myself writing more music than ever before—and once again, finding the joy in it.  Although it seemed like I would never get over that last bout of composers’ block, I finally have.  I’m writing music unlike anything I’ve written.  I venture to say that I’m now the most prolific I’ve ever been.

And somehow, this semester turned out to be my best one so far.  I found out that a piece I just finished will be performed by one of my university’s ensembles in the spring.  While still experiencing composer’s block, I was chosen to present my piano piece “Agitato” for a composition master class with a Pulitzer-winning composer who came to my school.  I was honored with the chance to perform two different piano pieces in both of the Composition Department recitals this semester.  And then came the opportunity with Musinc.

Debuting "Agitato" in the Student Composers' Recital

Debuting “Agitato” in the Student Composers’ Recital

My conviction that I am a composer has finally been vindicated.  There is no longer a single doubt in my mind about whether I’m pursuing the right career or whether I belong in the composition program.  Now that I’m composing so much again, I will never look back.

But how in the world did I not give up on my musical gifts through the whole ordeal?  What motivated me to stubbornly insist that I was a composer even when I was hardly composing?  Why did I dare to go back to Nashville to continue my musical studies when everyone thought I should’ve taken a semester off?

I’m a composer.  

I can’t explain it.  God gave me a gift that is so much a part of who I am that I cannot possibly deny or avoid it.  No matter what happens on the outside, there will always be something deep in my soul that causes me to keep making music—or that at least tells me to try.

Going through an extreme case of composer’s block and subsequently regaining my composing has given me a clarity that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.  If I can still be utterly desperate to compose in the middle of something so traumatic, then I know composing is what I was meant to do.  Imagine where I can go now that I have gotten past these walls.  I see a whole new world of pieces to be written…

I don’t understand why things had to go the way they did, but surely, there is a reason that I’m composing more than ever in spite of it all (or maybe because of it)…  I’m still writing because I have a call on my life: I’m a composer.


P.S.  I’m releasing my new piano piece “Lirio” on December 17.  Stick around for more about this!

Starting a New Chapter!

I’m excited to say that I have just been brought on as a composer by the production music library Musinc!  From now on, anything I write and record, once accepted into the library, will be available for licensing for film, TV, and other media.  The material from Airborne is already in the catalog.  There will also be opportunities for filmmakers and music supervisors to commission me to write custom pieces.

This is the beginning of a new chapter in my career.  I’ve always wanted to get into writing for film and TV, and now I have the chance to do that.  As an engineer, it is also a tremendous compliment, because I will be responsible for all my own recording, editing, mixing, and mastering.  In other words, this means they believe my engineering is good enough for recordings that will potentially be used in movies or TV.

I’m still trying to process all of this.  Wow!

So maybe you’re wondering, how is this going to affect my everyday life?  Well, not too much right now.  I’m still going to be staying in school to graduate from college.  I’m still going to be doing all of my work either sitting by myself in my tiny apartment at school or recording in my piano studio at my parent’s house back east.  I may be a professional composer, but at the same time, I’m really still just a nineteen-year-old music major trying to figure out life and make it through the semester—while composing and recording as much as I possibly can.

At work in my dorm studio

Working hard… In my dorm-room studio.

The thing about writing for production music libraries is that there’s no guarantee anyone will ever license your music at all.  It is quite possible that my tracks will just sit in the library, no one will use them, and I’ll never make a dime.  As a library composer, to avoid this, the best thing you can do is write as much music as possible to increase your chances of someone using something you wrote.  And that’s what I’m going to do…

I’m incredibly grateful for this opportunity, and I can’t wait to see what will happen next.  Thank you, to all of you who have supported me along the way and who have shared my music and spread the word about it.  I couldn’t have made it here without you.

The Secret Life of a Music Major

“Music students: as the semester grinds on you may feel intensely burnt-out. You may even consider dropping out of music altogether. If that happens, go back and listen to your favorite recordings, make music with your friends, do anything you can to remind yourself why you loved music before you started studying it. An education in music can be a very good thing, but it can also squeeze the life out of any love you ever had for it. Don’t let it.”

Recently, I came across this quote by Eric Whitacre on his blog. The timing couldn’t have been better.

Lately, I’ve been exhausted and burned out on everything. As of this semester, I’m officially a double major in Music Composition and Audio Engineering. At my school, there’s no overlap between the two degrees outside of the general education requirements. As far as I know, no one has ever successfully completed both programs, because they’re both so demanding. The only reason it’s not completely insane for me to attempt is because I transferred a lot of credits from community college.

But it’s still so much work.

If you’re going to be a music major, you can kiss goodbye all of your notions of having a “stereotypical” college experience. I don’t get to have a normal social life—mine revolves around required concerts and ensemble practices. I don’t get to know what it feels like to finish my homework—there’s always more practice to be had and more measures to be written in my compositions.

Make no mistake––music school is exhausting!

Make no mistake––music school is exhausting!

I literally do nothing but music all day long. It’s wonderful, but it’s also terrible sometimes—two hours of piano practice, one hour of organ practice, at least another hour (hopefully two or three) of composing, varying amounts of time rehearsing for ensembles, and then more time doing theory, ear training, and orchestration assignments. And then I have to work on recording projects, which takes up the rest of my day.

There are times when I legitimately start to hate all of it, because my life is completely scheduled, and I barely have any time to breathe. This week, after a particularly long day of practice, I even found myself lying in bed wondering, Why did I give up my teenage years to get here—to just be miserable?  How can you write good music when you’re not enjoying what you’re doing? You can’t, which is why I’ve had such a hard time composing lately.

Sometimes, you need to step back and realize why you’re studying music in the first place.  Sometimes, when you’re burned out, you need to get out of the practice room and listen to some great music. Sometimes, you have to remember the dreams you had that gave you the courage to pursue a music career in the beginning. Sometimes, you just need to do something that has nothing to do with music so that you can come back to it refreshed.  Don’t let the pursuit ruin the goal.

I couldn't give up on composing even if I wanted to...

I couldn’t give up on composing even if I wanted to…

In the end, I have to remind myself that everything I’m doing and the sacrifices I’ve made are moving me on towards my objectives. The only reason to pursue a music career is because you cannot do anything else—when you try, music simply comes back to haunt you, leaving you without a choice.  For me, every time I feel like I can’t compose any more, I hear a new melody, and I have to give in and write it down. It often keeps me awake at night.

It’s clear to me that composing is what I was put on this earth to do, and this notion is what keeps me going through the drudgery of music school. It’s what lets me have confidence that I will get out of this dry spell and recover from the burnout…

As soon as I can leave the practice room for a few minutes.


So readers, what do you do to overcome musical burnout? How did you get through music school?

New Music, New Season

I just released some new music! I’ve recorded a solo piano song called “To the Sky” written by an artist named Dirk Maassen. It’s a lovely piece, and if you enjoy my own piano compositions, then you’ll love Dirk’s music, too. Check out more of his work here. This is my recording:

Not only was Dirk kind enough to let me record his piece, but he also shared my version with his fans. As a result, my recording is getting up to 2000 plays per day on SoundCloud, and it’s listed as one of the most popular piano tracks on the entire website right now. I’m not going to lie, it’s a great feeling to know that thousands of people are listening to your music.

"To the Sky" has been the fourth most popular piano track on SoundCloud in the last few days.

“To the Sky” has been the fourth most popular piano track on SoundCloud in the last few days.

In addition to my recent popularity on SoundCloud, I have some other very exciting things percolating—things I’ve been working towards for a long time that are finally starting to happen. And I’m entering a new season in my composing. After a year of being in a dry spell, the rains of inspiration are beginning to fall once again.

This summer was one of the hardest three months of my life, and nothing went as planned, but now, thanks to what’s happening on SoundCloud, some other unplanned things are happening that are finally moving me towards my goals…

I’m moving back to Nashville for my sophomore year of college tomorrow.  If the last couple of weeks are any indicator, I believe that I’m headed for one of my most productive years ever.  I can’t wait to see what happens next!

An Unusual Vacation…

I’ve been debating when and if I should say anything, but I’m tired of pretending everything is fine when I haven’t posted in forever.  So I’ll be blunt: I’ve been away because I’ve been to the gates of Hell and back this summer…

P1030014

No one ever thinks bad things will happen to them.  But the scary part is that these things can happen for no apparent reason to anyone, no matter how sure you are that they won’t…

But if it’s even possible, this experience has made me treasure the gift of music even more than before, because I’ve seen again just how strongly music can and does touch people—myself included.  During all of this, sometimes I’ve felt like music was my only window left into normalcy, and it was a wonderful thing.

It's all a gift...  I can't possibly take it for granted after everything that's happened.

I’m realizing again that music is a gift I can’t afford to waste…

In a dream recently, someone said to me, “You have the gift…  Don’t waste it!”  And I’m going to listen.  I have a gift from God and a responsibility to make the most of it.  From now on, I don’t want to take another day or another opportunity to make music for granted, because I’ve been given another chance—a chance to bring to others the kind of healing and relief that music has brought to me.

You simply cannot go through something like this without being changed, and I’m completely okay with that.  For the rest of my life, this time will be an unforgettable journey that influences me on a personal, musical, and spiritual level.  You can be sure some great music will come out of this.  I already can’t wait for you to hear the new pieces I’ve written this summer for my next album. (One of them should be out in another month!)  And everything will be 100% fine soon—I truly mean and believe it when I say that.  The best in life is yet to come—as with my best compositions…